I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
