Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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