His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
