You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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