This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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