my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
