My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
