I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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