Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
