I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
