god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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