I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
