Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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