Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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