we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
