I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
