i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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