I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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