Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
