Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
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