Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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