i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
