I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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