Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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