Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Randomize
