I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
