mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
This is my gift to your gina
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
