i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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