i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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