i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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