WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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