Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I wear drunk well.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
