Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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