they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
