it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
