Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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