I am spending my child support on dildos
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
