your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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