i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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