Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
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Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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