If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
