my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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