I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
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She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
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I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize