I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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