You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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