Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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