I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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