Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
