Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
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you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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