literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Randomize
