i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
