I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
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In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
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I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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