I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
