the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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