So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
