I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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