you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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