so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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